The Coming Out Phenomenon…

"We have made great strides in defeating homophobia in the last 30 years. The single biggest reason, obviously, is that people have come out. -- Barney Frank (2004)

Coming out is a constant, moment-to-moment choice for folks who are not hetero-normative. We can be honest about our lives, or we can lie by omission or commission. The reason it is not a choice for hetero-normative folks is because they do not censor themselves on the basis of their gender, gender identity, sexual arrangements, affectional connections, or object of desire.

Examples: 1) A heterosexual teenage boy experiences his attraction to females as normal and supported by his community. He never has to limit his expression of his attractions because the object of his desire is female. (He may limit these expressions for other reasons, but not because the object is female.) A gay male teen would be coming out if he were equally honest about his attractions.

2) A middle-aged heterosexual female when talking about who she dated before she married her husband would not filter out any of these men because they were male. A bisexual female when talking about who she dated before she married her husband would be coming out if she listed both the men and the women she had dated.

3) A hetero-normative person is asked what they did last night. They have would not filter the fact that they went on a date with someone of the opposite sex. If I am asked the same question, I am coming out when I answer honestly about my date with another man.

4) A bio-man is asked about his childhood. He would not filter the fact that he was labeled a boy as a child. A trans-man would be coming out if he answered honestly about his childhood when he was labeled a girl.

In the last few years, I have had the chance to get to know some young LGBT folks who say, "My sexuality and gender idenity are my private business. I dont see any reason to come out to my friends (or co-workers, or siblings, or grandparents, or co-workers, or classmates, or parents, or roommates, or anybody)." This attitude is very hard for me to get my mind around. I understand being in the closet i.e., lying about your sexualityor gender history. And, there are many instances I support lying. Examples: 1) If your fundamentalist Christian parents are paying for your college education, I completely support lying to them about your sexuality until the final bill is paid, and the diploma is in your hand. 2) If, on a dark night, you are approached by a street gang, I completely support lying to them about your sexuality or gender history.

However, it seems that the people who say, "my sexuality is my business," don't see what they are doing as lying. They are systematically shutting some people out of an important part of their lives. They are engaging in non-reciprocal relationships, because it is an extremely rare hetero-normative person who does not reveal their sexuality to you within the first 30 minutes of meeting them. (Think about how many statements begin, "My husband and I" or "My wife and I".)

I think about my week. The people I see. The activities I do. How could I talk about my life without mentioning my sexuality? I would have to censor so many activities. How would I explain my connections to the boys I had fooled around with who I saw in a week? How would I describe the time spent with the men I am dating? How would I describe my discussions with the groups of LGBT folks I spend time in? How would I describe making breakfast in bed for two? It seems impossible to me to have a real relationship with anyone without being honest about my sexuality. I come out so many times a day that it is often a surprise to me when someone doesn't already know I am gay. But, believe it or not, I still have people who assume I am heterosexual.

My worry is about the progress that LGBT folks have made over the last 30 years. We have made this progress as Congressman Barney Frank says because LGBT people have come out. If the next generation takes a stance of "my sexuality is my business," I worry that some of this progress may be lost.

Harvey Milk said it best, "Come out, come out, where ever you are!"