1) Remove the following myths from your relationship life: a) There is one soulmate out there for you; b) Relationships should always be equal; c) Sex and romance always go together; d) Relationships exist in the world.
2) Acknowledge the following truths: a) You are already always in relationships of various kinds; b) These relationships happen in the world, but exist inside you; c) Whatever you think you are looking for in a relationship will actually appear completely different when it shows up; d) Everyone else is just as messed up in their relationship process as you are.
3) Apply the basic success formula to relationships: a) Do more of what works; b) Do less of what doesn't work; c) Experiment with new things.
4) Feel your feelings and choose your actions. Do not use your emotional response as an excuse for your actions; they are separate things.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
The psychological contract
Perhaps the most essential (or master) problem in human relations is the assumption that other people's actions or inactions have the same underlying meanings as our own. I call this the master problem because we seldom deal with this problem in our relationships. Instead, we fight about the problems that are a consequence of this master problem. For example, we argue about cleaning, or the lack of a phone call, or an unwanted touch, but don't discuss the differences in meaning that these have for us.
We come to every human interaction with a set of expectations. Even when we are attempting to be free of expectations and go with the flow, we can not help bringing our expectations with us. Typically, we have different expectations for people in different roles in our life. The co-worker, the shop clerk, the friend, the lover, and the acquaintance each elicits in us a particular set of expectations based on our history, our culture, our upbringing, and our experiences. This, in and of itself, is not the problem. The problem is that we used these expectations (our psychological contract) to interpret the actions of others. So, when a 'friend' does something that does not match our 'friend contract', we no longer consider them a friend. Or, when a lover does not do the things our contract says a lover should do, we interpret this as a problem in the relationship as opposed to a problem in our psychological contract of what it means to be in a loving relationship.
One way to manage this problem is to only interact with people who have very similar psychological contracts to us. These are the friends who do all the things we expect a friend to do; the lovers who tell us what we want to hear. The problem with this approach is two-fold. First, it greatly limits whom you can successfully have interactions with. Secondly, when the places of difference are found (because no two people share exactly the same psychological contract) the betrayal can feel much deeper because there is no language to discuss the differences in expectations. However, this is a common strategy.
A more difficult path, though I believe much more fulfilling, is to work on noticing where you are giving meaning to actions (or the absence of actions) based on your own psychological contract. And, then, checking out your assumptions, before you act on them. The goal is to attempt to understand the other person – to learn their motivations before you begin to punish. At the same time, to begin to work on noticing how other people react to your actions, realizing that they are interpreting your actions through their own psychological contract.
We come to every human interaction with a set of expectations. Even when we are attempting to be free of expectations and go with the flow, we can not help bringing our expectations with us. Typically, we have different expectations for people in different roles in our life. The co-worker, the shop clerk, the friend, the lover, and the acquaintance each elicits in us a particular set of expectations based on our history, our culture, our upbringing, and our experiences. This, in and of itself, is not the problem. The problem is that we used these expectations (our psychological contract) to interpret the actions of others. So, when a 'friend' does something that does not match our 'friend contract', we no longer consider them a friend. Or, when a lover does not do the things our contract says a lover should do, we interpret this as a problem in the relationship as opposed to a problem in our psychological contract of what it means to be in a loving relationship.
One way to manage this problem is to only interact with people who have very similar psychological contracts to us. These are the friends who do all the things we expect a friend to do; the lovers who tell us what we want to hear. The problem with this approach is two-fold. First, it greatly limits whom you can successfully have interactions with. Secondly, when the places of difference are found (because no two people share exactly the same psychological contract) the betrayal can feel much deeper because there is no language to discuss the differences in expectations. However, this is a common strategy.
A more difficult path, though I believe much more fulfilling, is to work on noticing where you are giving meaning to actions (or the absence of actions) based on your own psychological contract. And, then, checking out your assumptions, before you act on them. The goal is to attempt to understand the other person – to learn their motivations before you begin to punish. At the same time, to begin to work on noticing how other people react to your actions, realizing that they are interpreting your actions through their own psychological contract.
Friday, May 30, 2008
On being hated
"If no one hates you, you are not trying hard enough."
Perhaps there are people innocuous enough that, even when they are being completely themselves, they inspire no dislike, let alone hatred, in anyone else. But, I doubt it. My experience is that humans are so eccentric, diverse, unique, and crazy that when any one of us is completely ourselves, we will induce the full range of emotional reactions in others. Some will love us, some will hate us, and every other reaction in between.
What happens most of the time is that most of us hold back part of ourselves. We don't tell our whole truth. We don't take actions that those around us might judge. We filter ourselves. We pre-judge our actions by the standards of those around us. We don't say what we really want to say because of who is present in the room with us. We don't take risks, don't reach out, and don't call people on their shit.
When you meet someone who works outside those rules, someone who will not go along to get along, we tend to have a reaction. We love them or hate them. I am not perfectly free. I restrain myself in certain situations, but I probably express my true self more than most. As a result, I have my fans and my detractors. I have no problems with being hated. In fact, if I hear that someone really dislikes me, I figure I have managed to be truly myself with them. I feel the same way when someone I have only spent a little time with tells me or someone else that they really like me. Being hated is not a bad thing.
What sometimes confuses me is when someone I love being with is disliked by people who like me or vice versa. For example, I have a very theatrical friend who I love (and completely see myself in) who is disliked by a number of my other friends. I just can't see how my friends can like my "theatrical-ness", but dislike his. In another example, I am one of the most stubborn people I know, but I do have a friend who I think is perhaps even more stubborn than me. And, again it confuses me when our mutual acquaintances will feel one way about my stubbornness and the opposite about his, i.e., really like one of us and really dislike the other.
Though, there is perhaps a way in which I am perhaps particularly eccentric and that is that I don't mind at all being around people who hate me. If fact, I kind of enjoy it, because it is never clear whether they will decide to maintain the societal norms and be nice - or just break out the crazy. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer - and frienemies are just their own thing all together.
Perhaps there are people innocuous enough that, even when they are being completely themselves, they inspire no dislike, let alone hatred, in anyone else. But, I doubt it. My experience is that humans are so eccentric, diverse, unique, and crazy that when any one of us is completely ourselves, we will induce the full range of emotional reactions in others. Some will love us, some will hate us, and every other reaction in between.
What happens most of the time is that most of us hold back part of ourselves. We don't tell our whole truth. We don't take actions that those around us might judge. We filter ourselves. We pre-judge our actions by the standards of those around us. We don't say what we really want to say because of who is present in the room with us. We don't take risks, don't reach out, and don't call people on their shit.
When you meet someone who works outside those rules, someone who will not go along to get along, we tend to have a reaction. We love them or hate them. I am not perfectly free. I restrain myself in certain situations, but I probably express my true self more than most. As a result, I have my fans and my detractors. I have no problems with being hated. In fact, if I hear that someone really dislikes me, I figure I have managed to be truly myself with them. I feel the same way when someone I have only spent a little time with tells me or someone else that they really like me. Being hated is not a bad thing.
What sometimes confuses me is when someone I love being with is disliked by people who like me or vice versa. For example, I have a very theatrical friend who I love (and completely see myself in) who is disliked by a number of my other friends. I just can't see how my friends can like my "theatrical-ness", but dislike his. In another example, I am one of the most stubborn people I know, but I do have a friend who I think is perhaps even more stubborn than me. And, again it confuses me when our mutual acquaintances will feel one way about my stubbornness and the opposite about his, i.e., really like one of us and really dislike the other.
Though, there is perhaps a way in which I am perhaps particularly eccentric and that is that I don't mind at all being around people who hate me. If fact, I kind of enjoy it, because it is never clear whether they will decide to maintain the societal norms and be nice - or just break out the crazy. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer - and frienemies are just their own thing all together.
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