Beauty

Why are we attracted to someone else? Physical, personality, power, humor, accidents of location, shared interests, chemistry - these all may play a role. Today, I am thinking about physical attraction. Physical attraction is tricky. We can say someone is attractive and mean that they meet the dominant standard for beauty in our (sub)culture. Or, we can say someone is attractive and mean that we are attracted to them. And, often these two things are not the same. For some people they are even mutually exclusive. Being a fat gay man, I experience this very personally. Within gay male culture, slim or muscular are the body types that are considered attractive. (Just look at the ads in any magazine marketed to gay men.) So, the men who find me attractive are deviating from the standard of beauty for their culture.


When I first came out, I was not aware of the fact that there were any men who would find my body attractive. I mostly had sex with friends – men who were attracted to my non-physical aspects (my personality, my sense of humor, etc.) and who enjoyed the activities we were doing together. (Basically, when you are a 17, 18, or 19 male, sex is good, no matter where you find it.) As I got a little older, I realized that while I did not meet the standard for attractiveness in gay culture, there was a subset of gay men (chasers) who were attracted to my body. My early 20s were filled with these men. At first, I had a hard time accepting my own attractiveness in the eyes of chasers, and my lack of attractiveness within gay male culture at large. I had a very unhealthy coping mechanism when I first came to this awareness. I only dated chasers who were very attractive (meaning they met and usually exceeded the standard of beauty within gay male culture.) Some of these men had nicknames among my friends like ‘the model’ (who actually was a model) or ‘the most beautiful black man in Boston’ (a title he was given before I started dating him) or ‘the movie star’ (who was not a movie star, but did look like one). This would not have been so bad, except I also rejected chasers who I personally found attractive, but who did not meet the dominant gay male standard of beauty. I was not following my own measure; I was being pushed by the pressure of my subculture’s norms. I used these men I dated to validate myself - my own attractiveness. Eventually, I grew out of this phase.


The two long-term relationships of my adult life were with men I found very attractive. One of them was very attractive from a gay standard of beauty and one did not necessarily fit that standard. In my 40s, I am examining this issue of physical attraction again. From a 40-something place, it seems much more about person-specific issues than any sort of type – the texture of the skin, the shape of the nose, etc. – these things seem to be more important than the body as a whole. And, energy – that indefinable aspect of physical chemistry - seems to trump everything. I recently went on a date with a man, who was very close to my imagined physical ideal. Unfortunately, when we actually met, I felt no attraction. I could admire his body from an aesthetic perspective, but, after talking with him for just a few minutes, the energy just wasn’t there. That chemistry seems to be the essential component, I guess I just have to learn not to expect that energy with any particular type of man - and celebrate it where I find it.